Have you ever experience such feeling where you feel like you had to do so many things and all you want is for this specific person to just hold you tight and cuddle you but you never know how to start and you never know who that person is? You see, its all in your mind. As for me, I feel irritated about everything and everyone. I dont know if it has to do with my anger controlling shits but as far as I know, Imma patient girl . I mean I've bared so many things myself but this, this irritated feeling I have, why wouldnt it go away? Why does it bothers me so much? And the fact that I cry in the middle of the night without nothing to think about, without any reason, just saddens me more. Why am I not happy with myself?
I always have this thought of not having the opportunity to get married. Call me oldschool but I really want to get married. I want to feel the feel of having a family and I want to be a better person for my husband and children. Its not that I cant be a better person now. Believe me, I've changed so much. I have never imagined myself being me as I am now. I'm very proud of myself and I cant see why others dont. Sure, I do sins everyday but there is still the good side of me that only certain people can see. If only you could see me in a whole different perspective :/ I know I can do better in everything but I also know my limits. Why cant some of you understand that? Mama, Abah. I bet you have no clue of who I am. I bet if someone asks what my favourite food is, or how my personality is - you'll freeze. I know you know nothing. I've never shown me infront of you cause when I'm with you guys, I'm a whole other person. I've never been myself.
It is inevitable for me to say this since I'm all emo shit now. I love my friends, I really really do. But I get the feeling that you guys dont feel the same way and the same amount of love as how I feel towards you guys. I may not be the bestest friend ever but I need to be loved sometimes. I hate being alone and I never got to say "At least I have you" to a friend. I mean obviously I've said that for a million times but that sentence can give so many meanings based on the situation. I want a friend to call me everynight just to know how I'm doing. I want a friend who I can cry on their shoulders whenever I'm in a bad mood. I want to have a friend who I can rely on no matter what. So far, I have no one. None of you guys really understands me. Yeah, sure I've said "you're the only one who understands me" but honestly, no. Maybe you're the one who understands me the most among the others. I know this sounds so cheesy but I'm not perfect. Nobody is so thats why I'm very thankful for all my friends who I have now. I sincerely, genuinely do. I love you guys so much more than I love my family. I know I'm not the kind of friend who you guys wanted too but hear me. I'm really trying my best.
I'm sorry if my words offended you in some ways. I never meant to hurt any of your feelings, at all. Just know that God is watching each and everyone of us and that good things come to those who wait. (lol I'm quoting David Archuleta :p) Ok another confession. This may sound so desperate like reallllllllllllllly really desperate but I have to have a boyfriend in my life or I feel so lifeless and... alone. Theres no other word for alone that may sound less pathetic is it? oh well T__T But hey, I know you do too, Anis. and you Azureen. OH AND NOT FORGETTING NISA. Lol sorry for the capslock Nisa.
No one could ever fully understand someone.
And that's when honesty and concern takes part. - Ameer
Head filled with unspoken thoughts,
Tykah