"But what of me? Does my happiness not matter? Do I count for less? Am I supposed to nod and smile, and be a brave lad for ever, while everything changes round me, and everything I loved is different?"
No. My happiness does not matter. Cause if it does, everyone will be in a misery.
I feel so pathetic lately that I could cry whenever I want because I feel like crying 24/7. My life is stressing the shit out of everything.
Like the other day, when Tr. Safia was pressure-ing us about the report on that survey shit. We had to finish up our essay in 40 mins. I was too stressed that I cant even think of words to write and THAT, scares me. I mean my mind just went blank and same goes to Chemistry. Am I that stupid? I have no quality in me, at all.
Yet I am not actually stressed because of my studies. I am actually doing pretty good myself. Alhamdulillah. The thing is, if there's only a slightest annoyance coming from this certain someone, I'll be as depressed as a black swan. I know; its not her, its me. I'm the problem. I dont know why, but I just, cant cope with her as how I used to. Maybe I've changed. I love you, so so much and I am trying to fix things up each and every day but if it werent for me who tegur-ed you first, we wouldnt even be talking the whole day. This saddens me more than anything now. I. am. stressing. over. you.
Maybe I'm jealous with your happiness. Maybe I feel left out every time you're talking with everyone about stuffs that I dont even know. Its like, I'm not a part of your life. Maybe I just want your attention. Maybe I want you to love me more. Maybe I'm just desperate for a friend.
It sucks that I dont feel like telling you some things and to be honest here, the only reason why I have that feeling, is because you never share anything to me. You never told me about where you went, or who were you with, and who you texted. Yet I, I told you everything. Yes, I know I'm untrustable but I just want the feeling of being needed by someone. Lately, you never seemed to need me, at all. Maybe you are better off without me.
I love you and I want you back, but before I try to fix things up and get hurt every time again, I'll have to think through it. Maybe I'm the one who needs to change, for our friendship's sake. I never want to lose you as a friend, as a sister. I hate this feeling and I hope you know that I'm trying my best to not be selfish and just cope with everything and everyone. I miss us.
Head filled with such guilt,
Tykah